Finding Me

My biggest struggle as a person these days are trying to be confident in who I am. For the most part everyone who knows me knows I'm sarcastic, I'm kind of blunt, have a weird since of humor. I love a good conversation. I'm open minded to a lot in this crazy world. I believe we were all created differently for a reason and there was a reason we were created to see things differently and not share the same views on life. With all that being said, I lack so much confidence in certain areas of my life. 

Homeschooling. I feel like God called me to homeschool Koah. I remember the exact day and where I was and who the person was at the time that he places in my life to open that door. I had a peace in me after that and truly felt it was what I was called to do. I didn't know for how long or any of the details I just knew right then and there it was for us. Well we made it through our first year and I'd say he's on a Kindergarten level. He can read, and spell some, and add and subtract. But did I do enough? We were busy preparing for a new baby and we covered the minimal basics. Would he get more out of a school setting? Am I holding him back from his potential by keeping him home?  The thought of putting him in public school makes me nauseous. No idea why, it just does. If we send him I wonder will he fall back, and will they label him as "special needs". And if so will they not push him or expect out of him what he's capable of? Will that label cause him even more difficulties? Will the public school system believe in him like I do? Then theres private school that cost around $550 a month for ONE child. I have four. What if we got a scholarship and got him in but the don't take his siblings? What if it's too much for him? 
I have the most ridiculous amount of anxiety when it comes to sending him to school. The only peace I ever have is when I think of him being right here with me. But is that my own selfishness taking over or is it still my calling? 

I'm constantly doing this. Everything with my kids I question and go back and forth on in my decision making. Do I immunize do I not immunize? Is this the right form of discipline is this the wrong form of discipline? I'm that small percentage of people that can read one article on something and totally agree with it's explanation then read an article that shares the same points and rationalities as the first but go for something the complete opposite and agree. I stress myself out wanting to do whats right. I'm so black and white that there is no grey. 

I went home to my sisters graduation from collage a few weeks ago. She makes me so proud. But I sat there and I realized how few the college degrees are in our family. I thought about how much it means to have a degree to some people. I saw how proud everyone was of her. I chose a different life. I graduated the end of May and left in August for Basic training. I knew collage was not for me at that time. Not at all. I did four years in the Air force and got out to raise my family. I do a lot. I don't sit on my butt at home watching tv andneating bon bons…. matter of a fact we only have netflix and only in our bedroom and the kids. But I work hard. I'm involved in the children's church, I'm involved in groups, I have a child in therapy weekly, and we homeschool. We have dance, and tee ball, and other things. Shouldn't I be proud of all that? But no, in the back of my pee piny brain I think about what everyone else thinks. I think of how much it would mean to my dad for me to get a degree. How much more credit people would give me. My husband who is border line genius and has the vocabulary of a dictionary. And I wake up and I realize I'm wondering who I am in everyone else's eyes. Does that even matter? Who am I in Christ? Who did he call me to be? Why do I go through the five million what if's? Shouldn't I just ask him? 

This morning I set my alarm and got up to get the kids ready for church. We got in the van and trucked our way to church. Troy has two weeks left of school and he's done. He'll have his degree (Thank GOD.) So he couldn't come with us. And the whole way there I wonder if I should just go home. What will people think? Will they think he's a jerk because he let his wife come to church with four kids alone? Will they think we're having marriage problems because I'm there, once again, alone.Will they think he's given up on God? For the last several months he's had papers due every Sunday and on Wednesdays live chats. And every Sunday and Wednesday I struggle with these questions. The What ifs. From my own church family. And in all honesty all it's done is harden my relationship with God. Not going on Sunday and Wednesday has made it easier for me to put God on the back burner for a bit. I don't pray like I should and forget to read. And it wears at me. I feel heavy. So this summer I gotta find me. I have to start finding me in Christ. I have to learn to just be still. He has all the answers if I'd just stop going to the world and go to him…