Finding Me

My biggest struggle as a person these days are trying to be confident in who I am. For the most part everyone who knows me knows I'm sarcastic, I'm kind of blunt, have a weird since of humor. I love a good conversation. I'm open minded to a lot in this crazy world. I believe we were all created differently for a reason and there was a reason we were created to see things differently and not share the same views on life. With all that being said, I lack so much confidence in certain areas of my life. 

Homeschooling. I feel like God called me to homeschool Koah. I remember the exact day and where I was and who the person was at the time that he places in my life to open that door. I had a peace in me after that and truly felt it was what I was called to do. I didn't know for how long or any of the details I just knew right then and there it was for us. Well we made it through our first year and I'd say he's on a Kindergarten level. He can read, and spell some, and add and subtract. But did I do enough? We were busy preparing for a new baby and we covered the minimal basics. Would he get more out of a school setting? Am I holding him back from his potential by keeping him home?  The thought of putting him in public school makes me nauseous. No idea why, it just does. If we send him I wonder will he fall back, and will they label him as "special needs". And if so will they not push him or expect out of him what he's capable of? Will that label cause him even more difficulties? Will the public school system believe in him like I do? Then theres private school that cost around $550 a month for ONE child. I have four. What if we got a scholarship and got him in but the don't take his siblings? What if it's too much for him? 
I have the most ridiculous amount of anxiety when it comes to sending him to school. The only peace I ever have is when I think of him being right here with me. But is that my own selfishness taking over or is it still my calling? 

I'm constantly doing this. Everything with my kids I question and go back and forth on in my decision making. Do I immunize do I not immunize? Is this the right form of discipline is this the wrong form of discipline? I'm that small percentage of people that can read one article on something and totally agree with it's explanation then read an article that shares the same points and rationalities as the first but go for something the complete opposite and agree. I stress myself out wanting to do whats right. I'm so black and white that there is no grey. 

I went home to my sisters graduation from collage a few weeks ago. She makes me so proud. But I sat there and I realized how few the college degrees are in our family. I thought about how much it means to have a degree to some people. I saw how proud everyone was of her. I chose a different life. I graduated the end of May and left in August for Basic training. I knew collage was not for me at that time. Not at all. I did four years in the Air force and got out to raise my family. I do a lot. I don't sit on my butt at home watching tv andneating bon bons…. matter of a fact we only have netflix and only in our bedroom and the kids. But I work hard. I'm involved in the children's church, I'm involved in groups, I have a child in therapy weekly, and we homeschool. We have dance, and tee ball, and other things. Shouldn't I be proud of all that? But no, in the back of my pee piny brain I think about what everyone else thinks. I think of how much it would mean to my dad for me to get a degree. How much more credit people would give me. My husband who is border line genius and has the vocabulary of a dictionary. And I wake up and I realize I'm wondering who I am in everyone else's eyes. Does that even matter? Who am I in Christ? Who did he call me to be? Why do I go through the five million what if's? Shouldn't I just ask him? 

This morning I set my alarm and got up to get the kids ready for church. We got in the van and trucked our way to church. Troy has two weeks left of school and he's done. He'll have his degree (Thank GOD.) So he couldn't come with us. And the whole way there I wonder if I should just go home. What will people think? Will they think he's a jerk because he let his wife come to church with four kids alone? Will they think we're having marriage problems because I'm there, once again, alone.Will they think he's given up on God? For the last several months he's had papers due every Sunday and on Wednesdays live chats. And every Sunday and Wednesday I struggle with these questions. The What ifs. From my own church family. And in all honesty all it's done is harden my relationship with God. Not going on Sunday and Wednesday has made it easier for me to put God on the back burner for a bit. I don't pray like I should and forget to read. And it wears at me. I feel heavy. So this summer I gotta find me. I have to start finding me in Christ. I have to learn to just be still. He has all the answers if I'd just stop going to the world and go to him… 

Tee Ball, Dance Recital, Potty training and all the other fun stuff that went on this week!

Potty training sounded really good right? I had to hook you in… It's actually kind of misleading. We found out Kabe can make himself pee one night while he stood up, peed in his bath and after I let all the water out and started to run new water he does it again and burst into laughter. His sister who was taking a bath with him did not find it funny at all. So the next day I asked him about a hundred times did he want to potty and he said no. After nap time I woke him up and noticed he was dry so we ran to the potty. And it happened!! Only one time but Hey, we all have to start somewhere right?

This week the big kids started their first sport. Tee Ball! I'm pretty sure Daddy was way more excited than anyone. He took them to Hibbits and bought them new cleats, pants, helmets, gloves, and balls. He came home early to take them to practice and was out there with them the entire time. I'm pretty sure he was a little over excited about it being the first time his kids played a sport and may have possibly taken it a little too serious. But Hey, thats Troy for you. 

This week we made some dirt cake to go with our Bucket list and we made brownies just because we needed brownies. It made for some cute pictures. 

The Littles didn't enjoy the chocolate festivities.

THIS also made me the coolest mom ever. 

It was way more awesome blowing it up in their room verses outside in the hot sticky weather. They play on this thing for HOURS. It never gets old. Everyone should turn their garage into a bedroom. It makes for an awesome space for a jump house. 

Karsyn finished up the year of dance and did amazing. She did so great at her recital.

She's a mess. She definitely keeps us on our toes. We're about to give her a "big girl room". It's more like an opportunity for me to decorate and organize but she's excited. I can't wait to get that started and share pictures in the up coming weeks. I love to interior decorate and organize. I wish I had more time for it. She picked a mermaid theme so I've been pinning like crazy to find some awesome things to go with it. It definitely calls for another HOMEGOODS trip. Heres our girl being a goof troop. Ignore the grey tooth. She fell on cement as a baby and deadened the nerves in it. I don't say anything to her about it because I don't want the kid to get a complex but I feel like I always have to explain it to other people why my kid has one random grey tooth. I should say its a birth mark because Koah fell on his around the same age she did and had one for years. But he lost it a couple of weeks ago. 

We took her for ice-cream after her recital. 

I have no idea what he was doing but she sure does look adorable. 

And our week consisted of homemade popsicles (Gummy bears and sprite), planting a garden… More like a very pathetic attempt at planting some flowers the kids picked out. It's a Kiick garden… about as good as it gets. 

Geeze, that kid sure is cute! I'm loving his little tootles smile. 

Ta-da. :-)

That's about it for this week. We're all doing well. Kace is a pretty needy baby. He has a tongue tie and it causes him to have a hard time latching and he gets a lot of air when he nurses. So right now we're dealing with a lot of gas and crying when he's not with momma. So the laundry is done and dishes are washed but thats about as far as it goes most days. But we're all happy and all surviving and thats all that really matters. Thanks for stopping in and checking us out. I'll leave you with these pics I took right after the kids were in bed… well most of them. 

Theres Koah and Karsyn…

Theres Kace… Where is that Kabe? He was in the bed…

Yep, somehow the kid needed his own space tonight and chose behind the rocker in my room. Hey, whatever works.